One of simplest ways to a woman’s heart, or to a man’s for that matter, is to listen to them. Really listen, not just hear most of their words. It’s simple, but it’s not always easy.
These are three things you don’t do while you are listening.
Don’t think about other things while your wife is talking. No big football game. No bills that need to get paid. You need to concentrate on what she’s saying, how she’s saying it, and what she probably means by it.
Don’t interrupt your husband while he’s talking. Make sure he’s finished what he has to say before you start talking. Exactly how you know this will depend on the person involved. Some people pause longer than others while they’re still talking or put different stops and lilts at the ends of their sentences.
Don’t get defensive. This can be a matter of controlling your tone or of simply asking “How come?” instead of “Why?” when you need more information. This may not seem like part of listening, but getting defensive usually convinces the other person that you weren’t really paying attention to what they were saying since he or she often doesn’t mean to attack.
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These are three things you want to do while you’re listening.
Do repeat back what you are hearing in your own words. This isn’t to be patronizing but rather to make sure that you understand what your wife said. If you put it in your words and she doesn’t agree with them, then you can both try again.
Do listen to more than just the words. You need to pay attention to body language also. If your wife is talking to you, but standing with her arms crossed or playing with her hair clothing then she might be the one not paying full attention, even if you are listening carefully. You can also see signs that people have more to say than they are willing to admit.
Do ask questions. Just make sure that they are open-ended questions, ones that don’t have a yes or no answer. They can be about feelings, possible alternatives, or what advice they can be giving you.
It takes time to learn listening skills and practice to get them right. But even a small improvement will begin to show rewards in the growth and improvement of your relationship with your spouse. As your skills improve, you’ll be able to use them to achieve a deeper connection and solve problems more quickly.
